


life's all about relearing how to breathe with grief in your lungs

by zestycornchip



Series: there is no home without him [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DC - Fandom, DC Comics
Genre: & im constsntly grieving over him too, Anxiety, Other, Self Harm, anxiety attack, basically made an oc to grieve over jason todd, bc Boy! i love that guy !, jason todd needs love, just nail / scratching stuff but still, ocs femme aligned but, reader - or oc rly - has a talk with batman, self harm tw, yeah just rly she pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 05:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13991367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zestycornchip/pseuds/zestycornchip
Summary: reader / oc & batman come back from a bad mission & learn to fuckin COPEjk, shit's just said & that pain is still theretags:I Fucking Love Jason Todd, I Will Never Not Love Jason Todd, The Inner Workings Of Batman, Jesus Christ Batman's Intimidating, When Will Batman Kill The Joker, I'm Begging You, Batdad Is Here To Talk To Ya





	life's all about relearing how to breathe with grief in your lungs

**Author's Note:**

> soooo this was really written because stuff like this has been on my mind for years, & i've just really always wanted to make an oc who's visibly grieving over jason, & after his return, is there to validate his feelings while also kickin' his ass for stuff he does. 
> 
> rn you can read it as platonic if u want, but there will be more writings where a relationship is sorta hinted at. also -- sorry, i uploaded on mobile, so i hope everything is formstted right!

despite what has happened, batman is silent as they walk into the batcave. leto is quiet as she walks in step behind him, trying her best to even out her breaths, lest she fall into a panic attack. deep breath in. count to four. let it out. repeat. 

there's a slight draft as she approaches the central hub of the batcave. as she continues to remind herself to breathe, she notices that he seems to be in sync with her as well-- the only difference is that his hand does not shake as he places his utility belt onto the metal of the table. 

& now he is facing away. he always is. even when he looks her in the eyes, all she can see is the mask, & how well he has hidden himself from everyone. leto wonders if he recognizes his own reflection. 

it's the clanking of _another_ utility belt that brings her out of her thoughts. now batman stands, his arms crossed over his chest, standing abnormally still as he looks down at her. for a moment, she is frightened; it brings her back to her childhood,  & she must labor her breaths again. deep breath in. count to four. let it out. do not fall victim to the way your mind betrays your body. 

( one. )

"what you did was not only careless, but disruptive to the mission." his voice does not echo-- it never does. not in the grand foyer of his home. not when he was in her shell of a room the first night he approached her. not now, in a cave. perhaps batman's real superpower is just being intimidating. it seems to work well for him. 

leto tries to stand as still as him, but loses. there is no victory in the way she tries to not visibly shake in front of him; her hands are clasped behind her back, ungloved, nails digging into the flesh of her hand to try to calm herself. a bas habit that recent events have brought out in her. 

"i'm sorry." it's soft, barely audible, but she knows he can hear it. they are only a few feet apart, & his attention is solely on her. "i was just--" she stops herself short, her thick lips turned into a straight line on her face. batman does not take excuses. she knows this. 

but he waited. the gargoyle in front of her had waited for her to finish, & so she musters up the courage to do so. "i thought i could get the information better by going after him."

( two. )

"but you didn't." his voice is loud & in charge, & she listens. "you were out of line. you went off alone, without backup, & you could have gotten yourself killed. did you even scout him out, first?" her eyes look to the floor as he speaks, & she knows not to answer his question. the anxiety from before keeps bubbling, & even with her nails digging into her flesh, she is finding it hard to stand her ground. 

"the man was a _maniac_ , leto. he had a bomb on him. one wrong move & you could've set it off. you could have died. it _would have_ killed the people in the area."

leto knows she messed up, bur she also only 16, & batman doesn't care how long she'd been in the game; the only thing that mattered was the mission, & how it went. given any opportunity, batman would chide the hell out of superman if he could. hell, he probably already has. 

"i," she swallows, raising her gaze to his, brown eyes meeting the void of empty white behind his mask. it scares her. "i was trying to get information, i'm sorry." she licks her lips & looks away, & then looks back. " _i'm sorry_."

"sorry won't save you out there." 

batman turns, his body facing away once more. he does not notice her trembles, how she is holding back the urge to cry & run off, all at the same time. it's the anxiety that keeps her from moving, knowing that if she did, she'd fall to the ground. 

he moves closer to the wall of monitors, removing his gloves & tossing them besides his keyboard. leto tries to say something -- anything -- but when she opens her mouth, all she can do is whimper. pathetic. he's right-- her sorriness won't save her. 

( three. )

she releases the hold she had on her hand & tries to move. her legs feel like jelly as she steps forward, once, twice, & is now placing a hand on the table to steady herself. her eyes flash over the gadgets on his belt & to him, watching as he sits in his chair, his fingers dancing over the tabs on his keyboard. 

she does not take his silence in stride. she knows that when she speaks, he will be there to talk down at her. remind her of her current series of mistakes. 

there is a hole in her heart when she associates this with jason. it grows as she remembers how they'd sit upon his favorite building, next to his favorite gargoyle, & how he would vent to her. she made him put away the homework he brought up there & they'd fight through similar trauma with sarcastic words & food. 

she wonders if she even has a heart when she remembers how he came to her after a terrible mission. according to batman, he'd fucked up bad, & jason couldn't bear to look him in the face. leto sat on the edge of her tub as she placed jason inside, mending his wounds & ignoring the way her hand would shake if she acknowledged that this was jason, _her jason_ , bleeding & trying not to cry. 

( four. ) 

"you can't just -- just turn away." her voice is stronger than before, producing adrenaline that now ran through her veins. she stood taller, without the table, & stepped closer towards him. he did not acknowledge her as she did so, but she knew he was listening. 

"i _apologised_. i-i know it won't save me out there-- that i was stupid,  & that i could've died. but i did it for him."

he stopped typing. leto was sure that he was aware _why_ she had run off after that goon. she wouldn't have done it for no reason; that no matter what group was thrown at them, that the joker was always in charge of them,  & that she could get answers out of them. 

she would fight through them all to kill the joker. 

there's a slight turn in his chair, & she's surprised she could hear it squeak. within a moment he is looking at her again, & she is met with the soulless white cover over his eyes. 

"it's been a year--"

"i'm not giving up on this--"

"it's been a year since he was buried, leto." he stands & his chair is pushed back, & he is once again towering over her. once again she shakes, & even as her hands form a fist & nails dig into her skin, she cannot stop the way her body is reacting. 

a hand is placed onto her shoulder. she is by no means dainty, but his big hand envelops her, & it has been so long since anyone has touched her in this way. 

she doesn't realize she's crying until he kneels in front of her. hot, blotchy tears start to cloud her vision-- she doesn't realize he had removed his cowl until the tears spill from her eyes, granting her half the vision she had prior. 

there is no white over his eyes. no, they are blue, & they are full of hurt, & she wonders if he wears the mask so he couldn't see how he truly looked. that the mask is the true emptiness that he wishes for. 

"killing the joker won't bring him back. it's hard-- hard on us all -- but it won't." she shakes her head, but he stays, gazing up at her. "there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about killing him. how _easy_ it would be to do it. but there isn't a way to come back from that. i won't become the man that i fight to protect my city. i won't let _you_ become burdened by that weight."

she cannot help but shake more, her knees buckling--& then she falls. the ground of the batcave is hard on her knees but she doesn't care-- if she molded in with it, it would mean nothing to her. that hurt does not compare to the way her head pounds as she cries, or the way her heart empties when she thinks about jason. 

there is an arm over her, & then another. she is not used to the feel of another person touching her, let alone _batman_ , but her grieving body accepts his warmth as a stabilizer. she does not know how long he holds her, but she knows that as her chest stops contorting in pain, her eyes dry out soon after. she finally addresses that her knees & hands _hurt_ \-- a hazy glance towards her bare hands show blood, & even with his arms around her, she goes to stand. 

he helps raise her to her feet, & takes her wrist. he pulls a wrap from wherever -- she doesn't care to note where -- & wraps one around both hands. his endeavors are silent, a stark contrast to the way her body shakes as she tries to catch her breath. 

batman gives her a few more moments, & notes the evenness of her breathing. it is then when he speaks again, his voice much, much softer than before. 

"i miss him, too."

perhaps that's what she needed to hear. she was aware of death-- & how, sometimes, the subject of jason was taboo. she did not know batman well enough to know how he mourned. all she saw was the empty white behind the cowl & never the sad blue of his eyes. 

maybe she just needed to know that he was hurting, too. 

( release. )


End file.
